Times of Utter Failure

Of my list of goals for this quarter, I completely failed at all but two (11 & 12). My failures represent my state of mind at this current point in my life: unmotivated, undirected, uninterested, and just sad. No force to push me, no arrow to guide me, no bright colors to catch my eye. I have succumbed to my greatest fear, repetition. I need to slip-out of this trend, repeating the same day night after night (the nights are my day seeing as I haven't slept while the sun was down in nearly two weeks. and by night I mean 4PM to 7AM). The worst part is that this repetition is repeatedly beating down my emotional barriers which is already inhibited by the endless late mornings alone where I submit myself to hours of self-bashing. I am in a sad state indeed.

Enough of failure, let's talk about my successes in goals 11 and 12. I skate constantly and I even occasionally skate to class. While others have been slacking in this department i have made up for them. Me and Jerry hitting the slopes late at night accompanied by random ICS members (rarely ever the same people twice). Dragon skate is today. I am beyond excited but I will talk of this later. Lets move on to my other accomplishment. While I have accomplished my goal it might not have been for the best. I went weeks without hanging out with them. I thought distancing myself would help improve our friendship seeing as they are so nice to me after just a few days absence. Instead I found myself forgetting them due to my serious out-of-sight out-of-mind disorder. Finally visiting them again caused me to realize that in this short period of time, the three of us have changed. We have found closer friends, made new mistakes, and told our new closer friends. I had made a serious miscalculation in trying to improve our friendship and my plan backfired. I feel more distant to them, like I started running in the wrong direction. I have come to realize that this goal was a mistake and I hope the can forgive me for this flaw in my personality.

Photo by humankinetic.